TITLE: Dark Nights
AUTHOR: Erin M. Blair
E-MAIL: eblair@sonic.net
CLASSIFICATION/CATEGORY: SRA--Story, Romance, Angst
CONTENT: Mulder/Scully Romance
RATING: PG
DISTRIBUTION/ARCHIVE STATEMENT: OK to Gossamer,
Ephemeral, After the Fact, and MSRfanfic Cheerleaders
Archive.
AWARD ELIGIBILITY: Spookys 2004
SPOILERS: Duane Barry, Ascension, One Breath (yes,
the Scully abduction arc). 
SETTING: Season Two.
DATE: Created on July 18. 2003. Second draft finished on
November 3, 2004. Final draft completed on: December 8,
2004.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: Thanks to Jen for being there. 
DISCLAIMER: Mulder and Scully belong to Chris Carter.
SUMMARY: Scully's abduction sets off a series of
insomiac episodes. Now that she's back, will Mulder
continue to suffer the darkest episode of his life? Or 
will he forgive himself?

------------------------------------
Dark Nights
Written by: Erin M. Blair
------------------------------------

Mulder was having one of those sleepless nights 
where all he could do was stare at the ceiling. For 
the past three months since Scully was taken, he 
couldn't sleep. When he tried to sleep, all he could 
think about was her. 

Scully

She had since been returned and was safely tucked 
in her bed. 

He hoped that she was having pleasant dreams, but he 
still couldn't sleep. He could feel his breathing starting 
to become more rapid. These panic attacks startled 
him, and he had become increasingly worried as the days 
flew by.

The insomia stirred within him. He knew he couldn't live 
like this. Going on hardly any sleep could be the death 
of him in the field. Sure, he'd had insomia before, back 
when he was working at the BSU, during his profiling days.

But still...this was different. He knew it because he could 
feel the changes within him. He drew a deep breath, hoping 
to stop the panic attacks.

He was scared for Scully. He had always cared about her. That 
wasn't anything new, but what was new were his feelings for her.

Mulder looked deep into his heart and made the realization that 
he was deeply in love with Scully. Unfortunately, he didn't know 
what to do about it.

***

Mulder had a hard time forgiving himself during the days 
since Scully had woken from her coma. He remembered 
the sequence of events vividly. He felt anguished as his mind 
replayed how Scully had screamed his name over and over again, 
calling for him to help her.  He remembered the sinking feeling 
in his heart at his lateness in reaching the top of Skyland Mountain; he 
remembered reaching into the trunk of Scully's car and how 
startled he was to find her cross necklace. He replayed 
how he grabbed it and how the golden cross sparkled as he 
dangled it gently in his hand....like a woeful plea in the wind. He 
prayed to God and asked Him to let her be free and to live.

He had never wanted this to happpen to her. He never wanted 
to see the day when his nightmare came true. The last
thing he wanted for her was the horrible torture she must
have gone through. He felt guilty, like he had felt that night
when Samantha was abducted. 

He had wanted to save Scully that night. He had wanted to free
her. Every time he replayed that night, he kept changing the
sequence so he could save her. He knew it wasn't true, 
but he wanted to be her hero, her knight in shining armor, like
how he had saved her before. 
  
Mulder knew he would never forgive himself for being a few
minutes late. Now he was sitting at his desk, waiting for 
Scully to come in. He knew she would comment on the 
dark circles around his eyes. He hadn't had much sleep 
for months.

Like clockwork, Mulder watched Scully walk in and he 
watched her give him a onceover. "Mulder?"

Mulder gave her a pleasant smile. "Scully, how are you?"

"Mulder, did you sleep at all last night? You have
these circles around your eyes. Are you OK?"

Mulder drew a sigh. He realized that she had finally noticed
that he hadn't been sleeping. His voice tumbled out the
usual words to describe how he felt. "I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" 

"I said I'm fine, Scully."

"You don't look fine to me. Please don't shut me
out. I need you to tell me. If you bottle all this up 
inside...my mother and my sister told me how 
devastated you were."

"Scully, I appreciate your concern but I'm OK -- really,
I'm fine," Mulder said defensively. 

"I know what you're afraid of, Mulder. I know you're 
afraid that I might get taken again... I'm not going 
anywhere," Scully reassured him. She paused briefly
and looked at him. "It's going to be all right. You
have to believe that."

"I want to believe, Scully. It's just that I'm...worried.
Scared, even," Mulder confessed. He frowned. "If I 
had only arrived there sooner..."

"Mulder, stop."

"Stop what?"

Scully frowned. She chose her words carefully; she
drew a deep breath. She looked squarely into his 
eyes."Mulder, you are blaming yourself for my 
abduction. Do you know that I blame myself for not 
trying my hardest to fight back?"

"I had no idea..."  

"If I could return to that time, I would do anything in
my power to stop what happened. I would have done
so. I know what you're worried about;  I'm worried about
the same thing. However, you don't have to protect
me."

"If I only had been a few minutes earlier...."

"Mulder...."

"I wanted to save you, Scully. I'm your partner and I'm
supposed to watch your back. I know we weren't officially
partners then, but I care deeply for you."

She was startled. She had never realized how much 
her absence affected him. "I... I don't know what to 
say, Mulder..." her voice trailed off. 

"I've had faith, Scully, in you."

"I know," she said softly. "My mother told me how you
never gave up, even when hope was miminal for my
return." She paused, as she fingered her cross necklace.
"I want to thank you for returning this for me. I know..." Her
voice trailed off as she gathered the words to express how
she felt. "I know I don't believe much in the paranormal, but
I do have faith that this cross gave you the faith that you needed
to bring me back."

"Scully..."

"Mulder, please let me finish. You need to know how I feel. It's
hard for me to let you know the truth, but you need to hear it,"
Scully said. "You don't know this, but you brought me back. I heard
you; I wanted to come back because I believe in us and in the 
X-Files. I need to find the answers to what happened to me. You're
the only one who understands..."

Mulder nodded. "I understand, Scully." He put his arms around 
Scully's thin body. He didn't see her tense and she didn't squirm
in his arms. 

"For the first time since I returned, I feel safe with you," Scully said,
smiling at him. There was light in her blue eyes. Hope was
returning to her. "I know it's going to be long road to recovery for the
both of us, but I believe in you. I hope you'll believe in yourself, Mulder.
I need you. We need each other."

"I know, Scully. I need you, too."

Mulder's arms dropped to his side and he looked at the floor. He 
needed to think. He knew it wouldn't be easy to find the answers, but 
he had hope that they would find the truth together. His dark nights 
had turned into the dawn of light. He looked up to see Scully. She was 
light of his hopes and dreams. 

His nightmares ceased to exist when the daylight came. He knew 
they were filled with hope for a better world and a better tomorrow. He
knew that they would find the truth together.

~~ the end ~~ 

Feedback: Yes, please. Send to: eblair@sonic.net


Author's Notes:

This is the second installment of my "Faith Series." The
first one is "Faith in Love" and it can be viewed on my 
website. The series is about how Mulder dealt with Scully's
abduction and her return. 

I would like to thank Jen for beta reading this story and 
for helping me. I would also like to thank my readers for
being there for me. 

I had a wonderful time writing this story over a period of
several months. 

~Erin M. Blair
November 6, 2004